drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
