I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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