Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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