maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
