My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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