Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
