She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
