You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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