Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
