it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
