Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
