I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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