It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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