When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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