What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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