You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
