i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize