I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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