That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
