so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
