woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
