How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
