Plan B is the new Plan A
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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