I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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