NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
