Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
how drunk are you?
Several
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
