Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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