the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
