I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
