I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize