meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
where am i from again
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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