im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize