my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
