there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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