Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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