Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
