my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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