"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
