I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
