Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
