I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
