Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
