i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
