My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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