I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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