some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
