I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
