My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
