I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
