Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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