my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Threesome in a minivan. New low
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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