blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
