He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
