AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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