I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
as a side note pls kill me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
