She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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