How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
