You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
