Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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