my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize