Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
