He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
