but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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