i just made my gag reflex go away.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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