woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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